Don’t Mention It
Discover LUCRETIA BORGIA. Enter to her LORENZO.
LORENZO: Good evening, Mistress Borgia
BORGIA: Good evening, Lorenzo. Have you got rid of the body?
LORENZO: Yes mistress, I buried it in the garden.
BORGIA: In a concealed place?
LORENZO: No mistress, in a sack.
BORGIA: No no, I mean you buried the body in a concealed place?
LORENZO: No mistress, I just said I buried it in the garden.
BORGIA: But in a concealed place in the garden?
LORENZO: No mistress, in a hole in the garden.
Pause
BORGIA: All right, from the top.
LORENZO: I put the body in a sack then buried the sack in the garden, mistress.
BORGIA: In a hole?
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: And where is this hole?
LORENZO: In the garden.
BORGIA: But in a concealed place in the garden?
LORENZO: No mistress, in the ground in the garden.
Pause
BORGIA: Look, what exactly did you do?
LORENZO: I took the body from this room, put it in a sack, and took it out into the garden, mistress.
BORGIA: The sack?
LORENZO: What?
BORGIA: You took the sack into the garden?
LORENZO: With the body inside it, yes mistress, and then I buried it.
BORGIA: The sack?
LORENZO: No mistress, the body.
BORGIA: But you buried the body in the sack?
LORENZO: No mistress, you can’t bury a body in a sack, the spade’d go right through…
BORGIA: No no, you buried the body in the sack in a hole in the ground?
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: In the garden?
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: In a concealed place?
LORENZO: What?
BORGIA: Look, where did you bury the sack, Lorenzo?
LORENZO: In a hole, mistress.
BORGIA: In the garden?
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: But where in the garden?
LORENZO: In the ground, mistress.
BORGIA: You mean there’s now a hole in the garden?
LORENZO: Yes mistress. Or rather, no mistress.
BORGIA: Whaddya mean, no? You mean it’s gone now?
LORENZO: I mean it’s got a body in it, mistress, so it’s not a hole anymore.
Pause
BORGIA: What did you do with the sack?
LORENZO: I buried that too, mistress.
BORGIA: In the same hole?
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: In the ground?
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: With the body?
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: You mean you covered the body with the sack?
LORENZO: No mistress, the body was in the sack.
BORGIA: Yes I know it was in the sack, Lorenzo, but presumably you took it out of the sack to bury it in the hole since according to you, you can’t bury a body in a sack.
LORENZO: No mistress, I buried the body in the sack in the hole in the ground.
BORGIA: In the garden?
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: In a concealed place in the garden.
LORENZO: No mistress, in a hole in the garden.
BORGIA: But you’ve just told me you buried it in a sack.
LORENZO: In the hole in the ground, mistress. Yes.
BORGIA: In the garden.
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
Pause
BORGIA: Are you trying to confuse me, Lorenzo?
LORENZO: Mistress?
BORGIA: Look, first you tell me you buried the body in the garden. Then you say you buried it in the ground, then you buried it in a sack and now it transpires you’ve been keeping a hole up your sleeve the whole time, now which is it?
LORENZO: Well, it’s all four, mistress.
BORGIA: Ah, then you dissected the corpse?
LORENZO: Corpse, mistress?
BORGIA: All right, body.
LORENZO: Is there a corpse as well, mistress?
BORGIA: There will be if we don’t get to the bottom of this, Lorenzo.
LORENZO: Look mistress, I put the body in a sack, took the sack into the garden, dug a hole in the ground and put the sack in the hole with the body inside it.
BORGIA: You put a sack in the hole with the body inside it.
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: You mean there was already a hole with a body inside it? In my garden?
LORENZO: No mistress, just one body, one hole, one sack, one ground, one garden.
BORGIA: One body, one hole, one sack, one ground, one garden?
LORENZO: One body, one hole, one sack, one ground, one garden.
LORENZO & BORGIA: Now hear de word of de Lord…
BORGIA: All right, all right, I think I’ve got it. One body, one hole, one sack, one ground, one garden.
LORENZO: Yes mistress.
BORGIA: No witnesses?
LORENZO: No mistress.
BORGIA: No one saw you enter or leave?
LORENZO: No mistress.
BORGIA: You buried the body in complete secrecy?
LORENZO: In total silence, mistress.
BORGIA: In all honesty?
LORENZO: In the clothes I stand up in, mistress.
BORGIA: Indeed?
LORENZO: Indubitably, mistress.
BORGIA: In a concealed place?
Pause
LORENZO: Yes.
BORGIA: Good, that’s all I wanted to know., Thank you, Lorenzo.
LORENZO: May I go now, mistress?
BORGIA: Certainly, Lorenzo. There is just one thing. (gives money) This conversation never took place.